One of the toughest subjects to tackle in a counseling session is couples therapy. It's tough because couples typically seek help when their relationship is already on the rocks. They come to counseling when their boat has been battered against the rocks to near extinction and is sinking. The three primary reasons couples find themselves in this situation are communication, communication, communication.
We often enter marriages during the honeymoon phase of the relationship, a phase when we don't truly know each other but think, "Oh, how lovely this person is." We also don't know ourselves, what we want from our partners, and most don't even consider how to cohabitate with another person. Our expectations are also unknown and can be a source of difficulty.
We all know that loving someone is the foundation for a long-term relationship. However, the reason we stay in that relationship is usually because we care about the other person's feelings and want to make them happy. This caring for our partner is often greater than the minor irritants that arise. However, if these irritants are left uncommunicated and unresolved, they can turn into mountainous issues. They build on one another, and if we can't communicate through these issues, the breakdown of the marriage begins. How we communicate is where the real problem arises. And the way we communicate is connected to our attachment style. Our attachment style is rooted in how we related to and our attachment with our parents. Recognizing the connection between our present-day communication style and our attachment style is often the key to better communication with our partners.
Couples counseling stems from a poor communication style, we have a hard time communicating our feelings around the problems that every couple faces: parenting, money, or really any issue. If we are unable to communicate like adults and discuss these issues, they are simply pushed under the rug, one after the other. Resentment then seeps in, and before we know it, we're dealing with the inability to talk about anything. Or, we talk, but the substance is hollow, interest in our partner dissolves, and we find ourselves distancing. The path, once walked together, now starts to diverge.
Once this starts to happen, and if the couple is not willing to address the core issue of communication soon enough by examining how and why they communicate the way they do, the relationship will remain broken. The result may be either the couple staying in an unhappy relationship or the partnership dissolving, leaving the couple feeling anger and resentment toward each other. They may carry these wounds into their next relationship, not having learned anything from the last one, doomed to repeat the process again, if there is a next time.
Do the work, be happy. It seems hard, but it's truly wonderful to know oneself and find a deeper understanding within a partnership
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