Transformative Compassionate Parenting (TCP)

My approach to parenting and how I help you (the parent) navigate the

behavior of your challenging child through Transformative Compassionate Parenting style.

TCP is based on the understanding of brain development, parenting style,

attachment style and your child’s personality. I look at the intersection where these four meet.

The behavior looks a lot like this: Everything is a struggle - getting up,

getting dressed, getting breakfast, getting out the door to school. School

refusal is prominent with these children, mostly because the getting out the door is so stressful on them. And then there is all the social aspects they can’t cope with, they just aren’t emotionally equipped to deal with the life of an eight-year-old because emotionally they are more similar to a five-year-old.

Understanding your child’s brain development brings a depth of knowledge not usually looked at. In my practice, I have found a direct correlation between a child’s preverbal experiences and their emotional development. There are multitudes of empirical data on the trauma caused to the mother through birthing trauma. The trauma is studied through the lens of the mother’s experience. However, there is little study done on the newborn and how the same trauma the mother experienced affects the child. There have been studies done around the impact a C-section has on an infant, and premature birth. These are considered birth traumas. Other birth traumas are: cord wrapped around the baby’s neck, or oxygen is cut off. The list, and what constitutes birth trauma, can range from these very severe issues, down to the mother being very afraid once they go into labor. It is the amount of stress hormone flooding the mother’s system and consequently the child’s as well. This is where the deficiency occurs to the infant’s brain. Effects we don’t see until the infant matures and starts showing executive

function deficiency (EFD). There is little follow up on these occurrences . Having dealt with many children whose behavior all present very similarly and who have, in almost all cases, had birth trauma, I feel that there is a correlation between these early birth traumas and executive function and emotional maturity.

I find most of my clients' children, who struggle with behavior and social

issues, have experienced a disruption in their brain development during

birth due to flooding of stress hormones, or have experienced a medical

trauma - either during birth or within the first year of life; preverbal trauma.

The brain chemistry during birth directly affects the child’s brain

development over time. We don’t usually, however, see this deficiency until year 3, when children move from baby to toddler and the expectation for age-appropriate maturation in behavior is expected. However, most parents believe the behavior will pass and will struggle with it until the behavior is completely out of control, usually by year 8. This is when most parents seek help, through the school supports and doctors, some bring their children for counselling. However, it’s not really counselling they need. What is needed is for the

parents to know their child’s personality and to understand brain development, and a lot of patience. The child is not defiant on purpose.

Their behavior at home, at school and in social settings are all indicators

for parents to see and know they are dealing with executive function

deficiency. The child is not bad but simply responding from their immature emotional framework because their executive function in the prefrontal cortex (PFC), the front part of the brain, has been taken offline during birth or the medical trauma. This part of the brain is damaged so to speak, and they mature emotionally slower than their peers. They can’t cope age-appropriately, they have anger outbursts, which looks like a temper tantrum of a two-year-old, yet the child is 8. Children with executive function deficiency (EFD) are not able to cope with challenges other children their age can. Most of their reactions to life is based in the part of the brain where feelings and memories are located the limbic system. As they mature, it is harder for them to access the Cerebral Cortex and engage in the executive function, the part of the brain we call the “The Thinking brain”, where we can calm ourselves and reason things through. Children with EFD have a very hard time doing this. TCP can help you to help you child, though proven methods of coregulation and exercises that help you child strengthen their executive function, helping them gain skill and build their toolbox for the future, eliminating anxiety and building resilience.

The second part of the program invites the parent to look at their own

triggers. What is it about their child’s behavior that triggers them? One of the ways to know and understand this is to look at how we were parented.

If we had tyrannical parenting, we could be either the same, tyrannical, or

lean too far the other way and be too gentle. The problem with both

approaches is, children feel fear towards you or unsafe because children

need boundaries and direction. They need to know that you, as the parent, are in charge, allowing them to feel free to be a child, that they can relax because they know you’ve got this. On the other hand, if you are tyrannical, or controlling, overly strict, children with EFD will pit themselves against you and a power struggle will always erupt. This is because you are dealing with the emotional brain of a toddler, and we know how stubborn they can be.

The parent’s attachment style, this being the kind of attachment you had

with your own parents, weighs heavily in the equation of this paradigm. How we were attached to our parents allows us, or not, to attach safely and comfortably to our own children.

The fourth piece to the puzzle is knowing your child’s personality. This

takes a lot of care and curiosity. One must watch and listen to what their

child likes, how they respond to different things around them, are they kind, or do they act entitled, do they expect everything given to them, do they want you to do everything for them, are they independent, do they want control all the time. These are all traits that need to be unearthed to know your child and how best to parent their specific personality. No two children are the same, therefore, no two approaches can be the same either. The basics are always the same - consistent boundaries, a safe home environment, and complete attentive attachment, but the way we deliver these basic needs can vary.

Parenting is fluid. Knowing this greatly helps the dynamic in our

home. Knowing we are never the same parent twice

is important. If we have a child at 22 and then another at 25 and yet another at 30 all these relationships will be different because we as people are different at every stage of our lives.