Shame. It's elusive and hard to recognize in ourselves, often we don't even know we are operating in a shame-based way. Shame is less a feeling, but more of an umbrella for a myriad of behaviors and an assortment of feelings. One of the biggest feelings that indicates we are operating in shame is worthlessness. If we feel worthless, this is often because we carry shame for something we think or how we were treated.
If a child is raised in a very disruptive household, or not attended to by their parent—either ignored when they cry as infants, or if a parent doesn't respond when the child asks for attention—this is the fault of the parent. However, as small children, we get the message that it is our fault for the lack of attention from our parent, and the child will turn inward and feel it is their fault that their parent doesn't love them. This is the root of shame.
Or, as a child, if a parent is very critical, telling the child they have things that are wrong with them, this again is a message that something is wrong with them, and shame is the umbrella the child will carry throughout their life. Parents carry their own shame into their child-parent relationship—shame they believe to be true, learned when they were little. It is a toxic chain of sorts, whose links are created and forged through repetitive learned behavior.
How to identify our shame is to know that shame is not unto itself a feeling, but numerous core beliefs that we grow up with that translate into feelings and behaviors.
Feeling can feel like worthlessness, not being good enough, hypersensitivity to criticism, overanalyzing what people are saying, looking for some hidden meaning to their words, not being able to take people at face value, especially if they are paying a compliment.
What shame can look like: it can exhibit in a person's behavior through control—needing it and being unable to let others have it. Not being able to tolerate a partner having others in their life, being threatened by a partner's family. Shame-based behavior can also look like overconfidence. A person who appears to be very confident could be overcompensating for their lack of self-worth, which is based in their feelings of shame.
Shame is a word that describes feelings of worthlessness and is exhibited in behaviors that are usually self-sabotaging. Shame is nothing to be ashamed of, but when we can identify it, it's an opportunity to then work towards understanding it and unlock our limiting beliefs, allowing us to grow our life experiences and freeing ourselves from negative self-talk. Shame prevents us from growing emotionally and limits our world, keeping it small.
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